Hat full of rain

my visit to south jersey

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 09:51:50 GMT

went pretty fucking well in my opinion . I worked on a lot of the shit i have been dealing with . Tons of issues got resolved . I made amends with some people that i had issues with . I made huge strides when it come to leah my ex-fiance from a couple of years back . The coming days seem brighter now . It was a visit well worth taking , mainly to catch up on some old friends . It is kinda funny how life shows you answers to questions .Especially in the middle of the woods , hanging out with some friends from high school .

It was good to see the family again . Got some halloween stuff for them readied , made some candy bags , then badger picked me up , and we were off to central jersey . I'd rather not talk about the eagles game . But yet i just did , oh well .

going back to south jersey , south jersey

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 21:54:57 GMT

yeah i don't think so . well , its been odd , went bar hopping with my brother in law ,then saw my cousin so we bar hopped with him . And one thing i realized was this , i AM so out of place in this town right now lol . Honestly i thought i was getting odd looks from people , because of who i am .

Met up with a couple of old friends , hung out and bullshitted , right now i am watching the eagles game ( if you could call it that ) And later on gonna go hangout with my high schoool friends andy and maria . So far it has been fun .

Oh yeah i finally visited the spot were my friend killed himself almost two years ago . It was something i had to do , alone , and i have made peace with it .

tomorrow i do a little shopping hang out with the folks , and heading home , I should be back in central jersey around 7ish . Oh yeah i forgot my charger as well lol . Oh well .

poker night is on for thursaday omaha 8 or better

A odd night

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 10:39:06 GMT

after work i showered , started washing clothes to prepair for my trip to south jersey . Badger calls says he's gonna come over , he just got back from the sideshow/karoke ( which is no longer at the rail , but 2 miles away ) . So me him , and anna are hanging out playing poker outside ( the weather is stunning at the moment ) . This cool vibe was in the air of just bs'ing about shit , having fun , and just being awed by mother nature . Cause there was a light fog , and mist and it danced with the fire we had going , and the combonation of heat , crackling , mist , cool air , and smoke , just seemed surreal at times . It was a good night .

Today is sleeping , waking up , filling out my health benefits , watching rocky to practice for brad ,get my check , cash my check , pay some bills , do some food shopping . Then hang out with badger go to the preshow meeting . So it will be hopefully another good day .

Actually looking forward to going to south jersey , spend some time with the family , do some halloween decorations , and just think , and clear my thoughts .

new trick

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 09:15:25 GMT

badger and jessica came over to the house to hang out , and play a little no money poker . Poker just to play , no money involved . And i learned a new trick......
Pop rocks ....Think about it .......Yeah i did it lol

poems on deceitfulsorrow

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 05:40:55 GMT

my lj poetry name is deceitfulsorrow i just posted some new shit . Hope you like it

updates

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 05:28:26 GMT

what else to say except life is meh . Job is going okay , it could get better . Just wish work would scheduel me according to my availablity , which is i can't work friday past 10 . But they keep putting me on til midnight , i keep leaving at ten lol .

Personal life well , thats a different subject . My hip hasn't been bothering me as of late . But the usual pain is still there .My neck sometimes seems like it is going to give at times , then other times i'm ok . I just wish i wasn't hurting some days I started reading the drivers manual . I don't think i am understanding the new levels of liscense . I have a provisional for a year ? , or do i have to wait a year ? I don't know . Going to hopefully register for some fall courses in middlesex , i hope i can afford it and get in . I have school loan issues floating in my head . If i owe alot can i still get another school loan ? so i can finish school ? .

just wish at times i wasn't a fuck up for most of my life .

But there is always time to change that .

spending saturday night thur monday afternoon in south jersey .I should be back around 7ish monday night It will be good to see them again . I hope the time with family , and spending time to think , can help me .

FNS Halloween shows

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 18:39:17 GMT

The Friday Nite Specials
PRESENT THEIR ANNUAL
Rocky Horror Picture Show
Halloween
Extravaganza

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28TH
&
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29TH
Strathmore Art Theater
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Pre-Show @ 11:30pm
Show @ MIDNIGHT

This TWO-NIGHT experience comes complete with…
Live Cast, Movie, Costume Contests, Music, Games, Prizes, Raffles, Props, Poppings…and two VERY different, but equally provocative, Pre-Shows that will leave you…
IN STITCHES… ?

All this and much, MUCH MORE!!

And don’t forget to check us out here
EVERY Friday Night!!!

For more info & directions visit our website:
www.fridaynitespecials.com

life is meh at times ,and ugh at others

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 17:07:41 GMT

I have nothing but poker lined up tonight . NOthing more nothing less . And i may wind up playing poker on the ps2 as well . Because i got all my stuff done on tuesday , and then stayed 2 extra hours at work .They will ask me to cut it some where . But because i work the weekend now , and i must work sunday 3-12am ( no cast meeting ) i either have to cut it out of friday , or saturday , can you tell which day i will be doing that ?

My room is cleaned ,my laundry is done folded , and hungup .

i made a make shift clothes hanger for the time being . And this let me somewhat rearragne the room in a more spacious order .The blankets and pillows and cases , and all the bed stuff i washed as well .

So nothing to do today , nothing at all , until around 9 oclock .

Confessional part one

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 04:46:20 GMT

This has the potential of being a long post . Some of you may know some of the facts i am about to present to you . Others will not . So sit back , grab a drink , and get ready . The mask i wear is coming off . And my truth will be revealed .

Part one
I was born on 4/12/1978 . On this day i was born with a cut on my toe . The doctor who birthed me . Used the same pair of forceps that he had just used on another child . The blood got into my blood , and i was infected with staph infection . Two weeks later and i am almost dead . They are abou;top perfrom massive amounts of surgury in a last ditch effort to save me . Because by this point the infection has spread to my legs and waist . Before the surgury the priest gives me last rites ,and i am baptised . Shocking i live , survive even . But it is not over yet . Not by a long shot . I am injected with NUMEROUS iv's constainly pumping my body with antiboitics , and healing stuff ( i have no idea how much but from what i was told , you could barely see me ) . Now the first bi-product of this my vocal chords closing up , completely . I had no voice . And when i finally started talking it was around the age of 5 . I failed kindergarden for lack of speaking . If my old ghetto ass school had known better , they would have realized this . They honestly were about to send me to special education Cause the school district thought i was mentally challenged . This was proven false very quickly . They tested me , they told my parents to stop what they were doing , you son is actually a genius . After that , they noticed that i wasn't just looking at the paper when i was 2 or 3 , i was fucking reading it . And understanding what i was reading . In the first grade i helped my older brother pass . He was in 3rd or 4th grade . They wanted me to skip 6th grade because of my standarized test scores . Not many fifth graders test at a college level . But my parents denied it . They best decuision they made in my life i might add . I didn't get my numerous speech impediments fixed until i was in 7th - 8th grade . once sometimes twice a week speech therapy .

The second Bi-product was the huge scar on my hip . This is not a traditional scar ( is their such a thing ? ) It is actually the muscle , flesh , tissue , nerves they had to take out . My hip had been that badly damaged . I miss gym classes for most of the time i'm between the grades of 1-3 . It gets better . I start to go to gym class , around 6th , grade i remember being told ( or remembering the conversation) That the bigger i get the deeper the scar gets . The scar will be with me my whole life . And will only get bigger . They estimated that by the time i am around 30 i will start to notice more problems with the hip . To the extend of the pain i have no idea . It concerned me a lot because every day of my life it has been in pain . Over time you just get used to it . The pain and discomfort is still there . your just used to it . No i am due for more pain . Then the next thing , i may lose part or all ability to use the leg . So in theory my left leg has been given a death sentence . I ignore it . I was a child , and i had sports , and activites to do . I had drums to play , drama to do , stage combat to finish , state competitons to do . Then i almost completely forget about it . Except for the life long pain i am ALWAYS in .

About a year ago , i think is when the pain started to get noticable . I was occasionaly limping a little more than i used to . Sometimes walking hurts . But i am able to cover it up , with a mix of forgettting/ignoring , and humor . I have been using my third asscheek as a great tool for humor . Heh if its going to cripple me , why not use it while i can . Make others laugh , thats what good comedians do right ? A few months ago , it slowly started not being funny anymore . There are some days i honestly want to chop the god damned thing off , and be done with it . But the only thingk that stops me is something called death , blood loss and phantom pain . People who have had amputated limps , can still feel the missing body part in pain . It is true . I had a friend who was mortified and scared that they were going to cut his leg off . Only because of the phantom pain .

The leg may still have feeling , ( i doubt it ) but it will still be there . More than likely in massive amounts of pain . It may start with me walking one day , and falling down , for no reason , other than my hip has given out on me . This has now become my biggest fear . I would walk with a cane for a while , until the leg can no longer move . Then i can get a jazzy wheel chair . Maybe i can get a motorized one . And rock that shit out , pimp it up so to speak . This would only be used toi hide the fact that i will be in a almost constant state of depression . That my mortal enemy had finally gotten to me , the leg will finally win . I wish there could be something to stop it , but i tired . It would require surgury , to clean it out , causing a even BIGGER scar , with no gauranteee of success .

I am not looking for sympathy , i've lived with it for my whole life . I have been just slowly wiating for it to happen , to seee how i deal with it . I"ve been angry and bitter towards some of my friends because of this . I am sorry for it , and this is not an excuse , just a reason why i am the way i have been lately . Sorry for taking up your time , but i needed to get it off my chest .

stuff

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 06:44:34 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOANNA!!!!!!!!!

a new poem by deceitfulsorrow is up .

Poker nights are a blistering success . Good time have been had by all . Currently two games going on tuesdays my place , thursdays doozers place .

Feeling better than my last post , but not by much . If i feel like telling everyone the reason why i will . Nothing to major . But it has me concerned .

stuff

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 08:26:48 GMT

( attention my fellow friends .This is to be considered a woe is me post . So here we go )

what is wrong with me . I mean why do i feel like shit is somewhat crumbling around me . Maybe my old friend depression i screeping his way back into my picture . I hope not . But if it is i will have to deal with it .

why is it that when i'm in a room full of people i still feel alone . Like i really shouldn't be behaving the way i did tongiht . But i did . I could of handled something more diplomatically . Words i said should not have been said . For that i appologize .

Maybe i should have stayed home . Because if i fall down . There are those down there who know how to pick me up when i fall down .Please don't get concerned about me . I'm not that bad . Just scared with a TON of shit on my mind . More than most people can or will know about .

i'll be okay , trust me .

hair today

Sat, 13 Aug 2005 16:47:13 GMT

But i shaved it on monday . So far nothing but positive reveiws . i gotta wear a hat to walk to work now lol .
Hope to have int access in my room this week.

sickies

Mon, 08 Aug 2005 21:23:29 GMT

Thank god i am off today , i'mm just a little sick , that is why i was able to spend so much time on the computer today lol . Oh well , For those of you who care new poems up on decietfulsorrow ( that being my other LJ name ) . Doing laundry , and just wishing i had more space in my room . I mean its a fairly large room , but with my 27' tv , entertainment center , this bigg oak shelfing unit , my computer and my drum kit i lieterally ran out of space . if i could find a place for the kit i would , but i don't know where .

Hopefully when me and dave are off and i'm not sick we can get my fourth wall installed finally ( mostly my fault its not in there at the moment ) Then i can get a smaller closet in there , or just two wire shelfing units in there . That would get rid of the bigggg oak thing .

i'll work on some more ds stuff tomorrow . and my room . Ugh

ugh , bahh , and D'oh

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 18:13:58 GMT

Visited my parents with Joanna yesterday . It was good to see them again . Also i wanted to see shitface . Last saturday ,my brother ( AKA "shitface " ) was leaving his girlfriends house . Her ex-husband hit my brother with a tequila bottle . Needless to say , shitface looked at this dude , and said " Just stop now , cause your pissing me off . " After a few more seconds of this , shitface laughed at this dude . Hearing shitface tell the story does it justice . My brother needed 35 stitches in his head to close the wound . But instead his opinion on needles hurt got in the way . so he got the wound glued . He's okay , he wanted to go to work the same day . Provig once again , why my brother is one of the toughest S.O.B's i know .

But shitface left 15 minutes aftre we got there . Oh well .

Home depot is ok . I like my section . Other than that my ass is bleeding . And that is your random thoiught of the day .

Amongst the living

Thu, 21 Jul 2005 15:20:17 GMT

Woot , since the last time we updated this journal . I was employeed by walmart . And working nights and hating it . Now i'm back among the living , as home depot as hired me . I just took my pee pee test , and i will pass it . Cause i don't do drugs .

Same money , but i can WALK to work . Oh yeah no more cab rides for me . That'll save me about $100 a pay check . This may cause a slight hiccup in bills being paid off , but you know what i'll have more money to pay said bills off with .

Got 4 hours of sleep today , hah , i may get more . I may be going to cast producers house today .to discuss some stuff . I know i am supposed to jam with a band today , but i lost the number .

Tomorrow is my jam with S.E.P . Yeah kinda nervous , but not at the same time . Still getting the rust off my playing . Cause right now i have my drum seat as my snare , and my laundry basket as my kick drum . So who knows how that will go . But i hope it goes well .

Signing off for now , cause the daylight rocks .

better now

Mon, 11 Jul 2005 20:50:30 GMT

I'm feeling better today than i did yesterday . I know my hunny Jojo had something to do with it . So went to the cast meeting , called out of work , cause the leg was still bothering me . Then went to denny's to eat with a few friends . Going to audition for a band in two weeks or so , should be good . ummmm king louie ( one of the cats ) is on me right now , and feelsd like he is getting attached to me . i have to type with one hand now . cause the other is petting this cat . All black colthing + cats shedding = big old mess .

Hopefully i still have my job , because They didn't sound too happy when i called . But what else could io do except be in pain . Gotta go and figure out which peice of my drum kit i'm keeping , and which ones i'm selling/getting rid of .

hopefully payday comes soon .
Also hopefully the next time i see Joanna is soon .

Pained

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 20:31:22 GMT

I am in utter pain today . Last night before work i felt a pop in my hip . Not a bone poppin , but rather the muscles around my scar . Yes i was in for a fun night of limping around . At lunch it took me a while ( with doozers help ) to decide to go home . So i think after gettting home , with enough rest , and relaxation that everything will be good . WRONG!!!!!!! i wake up today hip is still hurting . Now i have to call out of work tonight .

Home depot has to hurry up . I've been getting good news from them . But i can't take it anymore .

wow

Thu, 07 Jul 2005 21:39:09 GMT

i hate my job , i can't stress that enough . Put the app in at home depot , so i hope all goes good . Work tried to call me in tonight , claiming for " OT " . But the funny thing is i called out on saturday ( the first day in the week ) So it wouldn't give me ot , the job hurts my body so much , that i honestly do need the tho days off . just to recoup .

Things are going great between me and jojo . I hope she comes to the house soon to help me with my brad . That should be fun . So should this friday .

4th of july weekend was ok . got to party at least one night and morning . Had a good time . Funny thing i was in the bathroom at one point ( and no not to vomit ) A thought kept going in my head , that this is what friends do . Real friends . And it made the decision to move up here easier . Also it hhas been the correct choice for quite some time .

That is all for now ,

EDIT heres some stuff i forgot .
The cardboard tube if filled with cotton , can almost replace the vagina . I'm bigger than the average man . Grilling is hard when you have no gas .

waking up the next day and the first thing i saw was jojo . felt real good .

Happy times , and decisions made .

Fri, 24 Jun 2005 17:45:53 GMT

Well first off , me and Hazel_eyedsiren are giving it one more try . I hope it works out , but if for some reason it doesn't i will be her friend no matter what .
i really did/do miss her .

Going to see land of the dead tonight with a big crew of peeps i think . I so can't fucking wait , It seems like yesterday i was writing about the movie in the newsletters with a glee unlike any sane person should have . Honestly i love all of romero's work . Not just the Living dea dmovies , but the whole slew he has done , one of my favorites being a movie called Martin . if you can find it , watch it . Its not as gory in the least .

That and it looks like i will be changing jobs soon . I can't pass it up , more money , daytime hours , And more money for a lot less work . Yes i said money twice . But also if i get the spot closer to home , no bus or cab fare , That alone saves me almost a hundred every two weeks , And If not i can always get rides in .
Also the actually physicallity of the job is killing my body . Yes my muscles are starting to grow , but at what cost , besides i could enter a gym , and get cardio , and pool work done as well .

Next week , heading home for a night , Sleeping at my friend andy's place , and getting some stuff i need , like the rest of my clothes , my drum kit , my poker chips and table . Thatand my sisters engaggment party is saturday , i know i am going to miss it , but i am deciding if i should call out of work tomorrow to doit . It is only going to happen once in her life , and i really don't want to miss it , seeing as my family is super tightknit .So that decision is weighting heavily on my head .

Once that gets settled i'll start working on going back to school , getting my licsence , and other things .

Also congrats Missy for bringing Emma Marie into the world.

today and rocky

Sun, 19 Jun 2005 00:41:40 GMT

Last night was a good show , literaly last second i decided on southern baptism crim , hey if i'm already going to hell right ?

Diner was meh
had a conversation that needed to be done . It put my soul at rest , and gave me answers which i needed .

Also deceitfulsorrow ( my lj poem thingy ) I'll update it soon , i still do not have internet access in my room , and i still haven't talked to bonnie yet about getting another modem in my room . I'll pay the extra , i just need internet . Cause you know , i love doing newsletters , but i kinda can't .

ALSO the new Life of agony cd is amazing . Not as good as river runs red , but damned close .

WHOA!!!!!!!

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 21:18:14 GMT

okay so its like 515pm and i have yet to go to sleep . Reasons why are as follows

1)Did a little shopping today
2) got the new NIN , Life of agony , and System of a down cd's today
3) Cleaned two rooms in the house ( i had help from dave )

So yeah drinking should be fun tonight , remember if you want to hang you can , just byob ( i'm poor and dont get paid for two weeks )

yoinked from princesszags

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 21:50:27 GMT

About fucking time i'd say

YAY! IT HAS FINALLY ARRIVED!!!!
"GET OUT OF CHAIN LETTERS FREE" CARD

Once you've opened this, nothing bad can ever happen to you from chain letters again for your whole lifetime. So next time you see some stupid chain letter that says you're gonna die or get hurt or get cursed, it won't affect you, even if you do the exact opposite of what it says! Once you repost this, you're free from all that, so REPOST REPOST
(and then you never have to repost again, yay!)

more stuff than you can shake a stuff at ?

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 14:08:05 GMT

So i get out of work today , feeling VERY tired , and hurting , but a good hurting , like i just worked out a lot . Between eating either ramen , or mac and chesse with some hot dogs i should lose this gut very soon . Also i've noticed a few things as well . I kinda like working over nights . I know i was bitching about the hours , but i realized that i have days off , so let me put them to good use . Also i changed my sleep pattern again , i now usually sleep between 10am-4pm , sometimes 5pm .

Still working out some stuff . overall , lifes doing okay .
I get paid tonight woot woot , so tomorrow i should be able to do stuff . cause i'm off like thursday and friday . Next time i got to work is saturday at 10pm . And there is plenty of stuff to do .
I know i want to get DRUNK on thurday , any takers ?

The last time i drank , a bad thing happened , and was the catalyst for me moving up here . So i need a good drinking night . But not like badgergeddon .
If i ask for a smoke , tell me " Hell No !!!!!" . But i doubt i will anyway , just depends on how many smokers there are .

remember the random thought of the day is this

" Cunnilingus with a wild boar is harder than it sounds . "

working hard , and hardly sleeping and doing some crazy ass thinking

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 14:47:31 GMT

okay , heres a confession i would like to make right now . I like Linkin Park . Yes for some of you , who have heard me say this over and over again i always thought Linkin park sucked ass . I always refered to them as joe and pat ( two friends of an old girlfriend of mine named leah ) I said they looked exactly like them to , and decided to start a metal band . Any way the more i think about it , the more i like there music . LOL , i geuss the joke is on me .

Also , yes here comes the biggest shocker , i actualy like one or two EMO bands , mainly my chemical romanace . But from what i've heard and seen ( just helena and okay ) i can get in to them . , yes , also hobastank isnn't that bad either . this is not to say i am not a metal head anymore , but i'm just realizing like my fading hairline , that yes i do like these bands . Also i kinda rekindled an old friendship with evanescence (SP sorry i haven't gone to sleep yet ) I stopped listening to them after that ex named leah broke up with me , only cause it hurt too much . But know because my boss at work ,plays music really loud , its usually them , audioslave , soundgarden , hobastank , linkin park , and some other stuff as well , like aerosmith , which rocked ass .

And random distrubing thought of the day

I would like to ask the jurors of the jackson trial one simple question . Would you let your kids , or neices and nephews , sleep over this mans house ?

stuff

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 21:45:47 GMT

i think i may have found a middle ground with work , i dont know thou , if i do anything it won't be for at least another month ( if i can stand it ) . I'e been going to sleep earlier and waking up later .

It's honestly something thats trivial , but at the same time important . I really like going out to hang out with friends when ever i can .It was one of the biggest reason i moved up here . To be able to see my friends more often . I do see them , but its usually a work day , so i have to leave around 9 oclock ,just when normal peoples fun start up .

also still confused a bit . Tons of feelings , and emoitions .