Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in plaguebearer's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
5:51 am	my visit to south jersey went pretty fucking well in my opinion . I worked on a lot of the shit i have been dealing with . Tons of issues got resolved . I made amends with some people that i had issues with . I made huge strides when it come to leah my ex-fiance from a couple of years back . The coming days seem brighter now . It was a visit well worth taking , mainly to catch up on some old friends . It is kinda funny how life shows you answers to questions .Especially in the middle of the woods , hanging out with some friends from high school . It was good to see the family again . Got some halloween stuff for them readied , made some candy bags , then badger picked me up , and we were off to central jersey . I'd rather not talk about the eagles game . But yet i just did , oh well . (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 9th, 2005
5:53 pm	going back to south jersey , south jersey yeah i don't think so . well , its been odd , went bar hopping with my brother in law ,then saw my cousin so we bar hopped with him . And one thing i realized was this , i AM so out of place in this town right now lol . Honestly i thought i was getting odd looks from people , because of who i am . Met up with a couple of old friends , hung out and bullshitted , right now i am watching the eagles game ( if you could call it that ) And later on gonna go hangout with my high schoool friends andy and maria . So far it has been fun . Oh yeah i finally visited the spot were my friend killed himself almost two years ago . It was something i had to do , alone , and i have made peace with it . tomorrow i do a little shopping hang out with the folks , and heading home , I should be back in central jersey around 7ish . Oh yeah i forgot my charger as well lol . Oh well . poker night is on for thursaday omaha 8 or better (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 6th, 2005
6:34 am	A odd night after work i showered , started washing clothes to prepair for my trip to south jersey . Badger calls says he's gonna come over , he just got back from the sideshow/karoke ( which is no longer at the rail , but 2 miles away ) . So me him , and anna are hanging out playing poker outside ( the weather is stunning at the moment ) . This cool vibe was in the air of just bs'ing about shit , having fun , and just being awed by mother nature . Cause there was a light fog , and mist and it danced with the fire we had going , and the combonation of heat , crackling , mist , cool air , and smoke , just seemed surreal at times . It was a good night . Today is sleeping , waking up , filling out my health benefits , watching rocky to practice for brad ,get my check , cash my check , pay some bills , do some food shopping . Then hang out with badger go to the preshow meeting . So it will be hopefully another good day . Actually looking forward to going to south jersey , spend some time with the family , do some halloween decorations , and just think , and clear my thoughts . (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 5th, 2005
2:14 am	new trick badger and jessica came over to the house to hang out , and play a little no money poker . Poker just to play , no money involved . And i learned a new trick...... Pop rocks ....Think about it .......Yeah i did it lol (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 3rd, 2005
1:40 am	poems on deceitfulsorrow my lj poetry name is deceitfulsorrow i just posted some new shit . Hope you like it (Comment on this)
1:19 am	updates what else to say except life is meh . Job is going okay , it could get better . Just wish work would scheduel me according to my availablity , which is i can't work friday past 10 . But they keep putting me on til midnight , i keep leaving at ten lol . Personal life well , thats a different subject . My hip hasn't been bothering me as of late . But the usual pain is still there .My neck sometimes seems like it is going to give at times , then other times i'm ok . I just wish i wasn't hurting some days I started reading the drivers manual . I don't think i am understanding the new levels of liscense . I have a provisional for a year ? , or do i have to wait a year ? I don't know . Going to hopefully register for some fall courses in middlesex , i hope i can afford it and get in . I have school loan issues floating in my head . If i owe alot can i still get another school loan ? so i can finish school ? . just wish at times i wasn't a fuck up for most of my life . But there is always time to change that . spending saturday night thur monday afternoon in south jersey .I should be back around 7ish monday night It will be good to see them again . I hope the time with family , and spending time to think , can help me . Current Mood: melancholy (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 29th, 2005
2:39 pm	FNS Halloween shows The Friday Nite Specials PRESENT THEIR ANNUAL Rocky Horror Picture Show Halloween Extravaganza FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28TH & SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29TH Strathmore Art Theater Aberdeen (Matawan/Rt. 34), New Jersey Pre-Show @ 11:30pm Show @ MIDNIGHT This TWO-NIGHT experience comes complete with… Live Cast, Movie, Costume Contests, Music, Games, Prizes, Raffles, Props, Poppings…and two VERY different, but equally provocative, Pre-Shows that will leave you… IN STITCHES… ? All this and much, MUCH MORE!! And don’t forget to check us out here EVERY Friday Night!!! For more info & directions visit our website: www.fridaynitespecials.com (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 15th, 2005
1:04 pm	life is meh at times ,and ugh at others I have nothing but poker lined up tonight . NOthing more nothing less . And i may wind up playing poker on the ps2 as well . Because i got all my stuff done on tuesday , and then stayed 2 extra hours at work .They will ask me to cut it some where . But because i work the weekend now , and i must work sunday 3-12am ( no cast meeting ) i either have to cut it out of friday , or saturday , can you tell which day i will be doing that ? My room is cleaned ,my laundry is done folded , and hungup . i made a make shift clothes hanger for the time being . And this let me somewhat rearragne the room in a more spacious order .The blankets and pillows and cases , and all the bed stuff i washed as well . So nothing to do today , nothing at all , until around 9 oclock . (Comment on this)
Monday, September 12th, 2005
12:19 am	Confessional part one This has the potential of being a long post . Some of you may know some of the facts i am about to present to you . Others will not . So sit back , grab a drink , and get ready . The mask i wear is coming off . And my truth will be revealed . Part one I was born on 4/12/1978 . On this day i was born with a cut on my toe . The doctor who birthed me . Used the same pair of forceps that he had just used on another child . The blood got into my blood , and i was infected with staph infection . Two weeks later and i am almost dead . They are abou;top perfrom massive amounts of surgury in a last ditch effort to save me . Because by this point the infection has spread to my legs and waist . Before the surgury the priest gives me last rites ,and i am baptised . Shocking i live , survive even . But it is not over yet . Not by a long shot . I am injected with NUMEROUS iv's constainly pumping my body with antiboitics , and healing stuff ( i have no idea how much but from what i was told , you could barely see me ) . Now the first bi-product of this my vocal chords closing up , completely . I had no voice . And when i finally started talking it was around the age of 5 . I failed kindergarden for lack of speaking . If my old ghetto ass school had known better , they would have realized this . They honestly were about to send me to special education Cause the school district thought i was mentally challenged . This was proven false very quickly . They tested me , they told my parents to stop what they were doing , you son is actually a genius . After that , they noticed that i wasn't just looking at the paper when i was 2 or 3 , i was fucking reading it . And understanding what i was reading . In the first grade i helped my older brother pass . He was in 3rd or 4th grade . They wanted me to skip 6th grade because of my standarized test scores . Not many fifth graders test at a college level . But my parents denied it . They best decuision they made in my life i might add . I didn't get my numerous speech impediments fixed until i was in 7th - 8th grade . once sometimes twice a week speech therapy . The second Bi-product was the huge scar on my hip . This is not a traditional scar ( is their such a thing ? ) It is actually the muscle , flesh , tissue , nerves they had to take out . My hip had been that badly damaged . I miss gym classes for most of the time i'm between the grades of 1-3 . It gets better . I start to go to gym class , around 6th , grade i remember being told ( or remembering the conversation) That the bigger i get the deeper the scar gets . The scar will be with me my whole life . And will only get bigger . They estimated that by the time i am around 30 i will start to notice more problems with the hip . To the extend of the pain i have no idea . It concerned me a lot because every day of my life it has been in pain . Over time you just get used to it . The pain and discomfort is still there . your just used to it . No i am due for more pain . Then the next thing , i may lose part or all ability to use the leg . So in theory my left leg has been given a death sentence . I ignore it . I was a child , and i had sports , and activites to do . I had drums to play , drama to do , stage combat to finish , state competitons to do . Then i almost completely forget about it . Except for the life long pain i am ALWAYS in . About a year ago , i think is when the pain started to get noticable . I was occasionaly limping a little more than i used to . Sometimes walking hurts . But i am able to cover it up , with a mix of forgettting/ignoring , and humor . I have been using my third asscheek as a great tool for humor . Heh if its going to cripple me , why not use it while i can . Make others laugh , thats what good comedians do right ? A few months ago , it slowly started not being funny anymore . There are some days i honestly want to chop the god damned thing off , and be done with it . But the only thingk that stops me is something called death , blood loss and phantom pain . People who have had amputated limps , can still feel the missing body part in pain . It is true . I had a friend who was mortified and scared that they were going to cut his leg off . Only because of the phantom pain . The leg may still have feeling , ( i doubt it ) but it will still be there . More than likely in massive amounts of pain . It may start with me walking one day , and falling down , for no reason , other than my hip has given out on me . This has now become my biggest fear . I would walk with a cane for a while , until the leg can no longer move . Then i can get a jazzy wheel chair . Maybe i can get a motorized one . And rock that shit out , pimp it up so to speak . This would only be used toi hide the fact that i will be in a almost constant state of depression . That my mortal enemy had finally gotten to me , the leg will finally win . I wish there could be something to stop it , but i tired . It would require surgury , to clean it out , causing a even BIGGER scar , with no gauranteee of success . I am not looking for sympathy , i've lived with it for my whole life . I have been just slowly wiating for it to happen , to seee how i deal with it . I"ve been angry and bitter towards some of my friends because of this . I am sorry for it , and this is not an excuse , just a reason why i am the way i have been lately . Sorry for taking up your time , but i needed to get it off my chest . Current Mood: scared Current Music: Slipknot " Subliminial verses vol III (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 9th, 2005
2:41 am	stuff HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOANNA!!!!!!!!! a new poem by deceitfulsorrow is up . Poker nights are a blistering success . Good time have been had by all . Currently two games going on tuesdays my place , thursdays doozers place . Feeling better than my last post , but not by much . If i feel like telling everyone the reason why i will . Nothing to major . But it has me concerned . Current Mood: Concerned Current Music: Life of agony LP " Broken valley " (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
4:18 am	stuff ( attention my fellow friends .This is to be considered a woe is me post . So here we go ) what is wrong with me . I mean why do i feel like shit is somewhat crumbling around me . Maybe my old friend depression i screeping his way back into my picture . I hope not . But if it is i will have to deal with it . why is it that when i'm in a room full of people i still feel alone . Like i really shouldn't be behaving the way i did tongiht . But i did . I could of handled something more diplomatically . Words i said should not have been said . For that i appologize . Maybe i should have stayed home . Because if i fall down . There are those down there who know how to pick me up when i fall down .Please don't get concerned about me . I'm not that bad . Just scared with a TON of shit on my mind . More than most people can or will know about . i'll be okay , trust me . (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 13th, 2005
12:45 pm	hair today But i shaved it on monday . So far nothing but positive reveiws . i gotta wear a hat to walk to work now lol . Hope to have int access in my room this week. Current Mood: Bothered , (Comment on this)
Monday, August 8th, 2005
5:17 pm	sickies Thank god i am off today , i'mm just a little sick , that is why i was able to spend so much time on the computer today lol . Oh well , For those of you who care new poems up on decietfulsorrow ( that being my other LJ name ) . Doing laundry , and just wishing i had more space in my room . I mean its a fairly large room , but with my 27' tv , entertainment center , this bigg oak shelfing unit , my computer and my drum kit i lieterally ran out of space . if i could find a place for the kit i would , but i don't know where . Hopefully when me and dave are off and i'm not sick we can get my fourth wall installed finally ( mostly my fault its not in there at the moment ) Then i can get a smaller closet in there , or just two wire shelfing units in there . That would get rid of the bigggg oak thing . i'll work on some more ds stuff tomorrow . and my room . Ugh Current Music: Broken valley lp by L.O.A (Comment on this)
Friday, July 29th, 2005
1:54 pm	ugh , bahh , and D'oh Visited my parents with Joanna yesterday . It was good to see them again . Also i wanted to see shitface . Last saturday ,my brother ( AKA "shitface " ) was leaving his girlfriends house . Her ex-husband hit my brother with a tequila bottle . Needless to say , shitface looked at this dude , and said " Just stop now , cause your pissing me off . " After a few more seconds of this , shitface laughed at this dude . Hearing shitface tell the story does it justice . My brother needed 35 stitches in his head to close the wound . But instead his opinion on needles hurt got in the way . so he got the wound glued . He's okay , he wanted to go to work the same day . Provig once again , why my brother is one of the toughest S.O.B's i know . But shitface left 15 minutes aftre we got there . Oh well . Home depot is ok . I like my section . Other than that my ass is bleeding . And that is your random thoiught of the day . (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 21st, 2005
11:15 am	Amongst the living Woot , since the last time we updated this journal . I was employeed by walmart . And working nights and hating it . Now i'm back among the living , as home depot as hired me . I just took my pee pee test , and i will pass it . Cause i don't do drugs . Same money , but i can WALK to work . Oh yeah no more cab rides for me . That'll save me about $100 a pay check . This may cause a slight hiccup in bills being paid off , but you know what i'll have more money to pay said bills off with . Got 4 hours of sleep today , hah , i may get more . I may be going to cast producers house today .to discuss some stuff . I know i am supposed to jam with a band today , but i lost the number . Tomorrow is my jam with S.E.P . Yeah kinda nervous , but not at the same time . Still getting the rust off my playing . Cause right now i have my drum seat as my snare , and my laundry basket as my kick drum . So who knows how that will go . But i hope it goes well . Signing off for now , cause the daylight rocks . Current Mood: hyper (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 11th, 2005
4:44 pm	better now I'm feeling better today than i did yesterday . I know my hunny Jojo had something to do with it . So went to the cast meeting , called out of work , cause the leg was still bothering me . Then went to denny's to eat with a few friends . Going to audition for a band in two weeks or so , should be good . ummmm king louie ( one of the cats ) is on me right now , and feelsd like he is getting attached to me . i have to type with one hand now . cause the other is petting this cat . All black colthing + cats shedding = big old mess . Hopefully i still have my job , because They didn't sound too happy when i called . But what else could io do except be in pain . Gotta go and figure out which peice of my drum kit i'm keeping , and which ones i'm selling/getting rid of . hopefully payday comes soon . Also hopefully the next time i see Joanna is soon . Current Mood: bored (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 10th, 2005
4:28 pm	Pained I am in utter pain today . Last night before work i felt a pop in my hip . Not a bone poppin , but rather the muscles around my scar . Yes i was in for a fun night of limping around . At lunch it took me a while ( with doozers help ) to decide to go home . So i think after gettting home , with enough rest , and relaxation that everything will be good . WRONG!!!!!!! i wake up today hip is still hurting . Now i have to call out of work tonight . Home depot has to hurry up . I've been getting good news from them . But i can't take it anymore . Current Mood: Hurting (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 7th, 2005
5:32 pm	wow i hate my job , i can't stress that enough . Put the app in at home depot , so i hope all goes good . Work tried to call me in tonight , claiming for " OT " . But the funny thing is i called out on saturday ( the first day in the week ) So it wouldn't give me ot , the job hurts my body so much , that i honestly do need the tho days off . just to recoup . Things are going great between me and jojo . I hope she comes to the house soon to help me with my brad . That should be fun . So should this friday . 4th of july weekend was ok . got to party at least one night and morning . Had a good time . Funny thing i was in the bathroom at one point ( and no not to vomit ) A thought kept going in my head , that this is what friends do . Real friends . And it made the decision to move up here easier . Also it hhas been the correct choice for quite some time . That is all for now , EDIT heres some stuff i forgot . The cardboard tube if filled with cotton , can almost replace the vagina . I'm bigger than the average man . Grilling is hard when you have no gas . waking up the next day and the first thing i saw was jojo . felt real good . Current Mood: sore Current Music: " Day he died " by Life of agony (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 24th, 2005
1:37 pm	Happy times , and decisions made . Well first off , me and Hazel_eyedsiren are giving it one more try . I hope it works out , but if for some reason it doesn't i will be her friend no matter what . i really did/do miss her . Going to see land of the dead tonight with a big crew of peeps i think . I so can't fucking wait , It seems like yesterday i was writing about the movie in the newsletters with a glee unlike any sane person should have . Honestly i love all of romero's work . Not just the Living dea dmovies , but the whole slew he has done , one of my favorites being a movie called Martin . if you can find it , watch it . Its not as gory in the least . That and it looks like i will be changing jobs soon . I can't pass it up , more money , daytime hours , And more money for a lot less work . Yes i said money twice . But also if i get the spot closer to home , no bus or cab fare , That alone saves me almost a hundred every two weeks , And If not i can always get rides in . Also the actually physicallity of the job is killing my body . Yes my muscles are starting to grow , but at what cost , besides i could enter a gym , and get cardio , and pool work done as well . Next week , heading home for a night , Sleeping at my friend andy's place , and getting some stuff i need , like the rest of my clothes , my drum kit , my poker chips and table . Thatand my sisters engaggment party is saturday , i know i am going to miss it , but i am deciding if i should call out of work tomorrow to doit . It is only going to happen once in her life , and i really don't want to miss it , seeing as my family is super tightknit .So that decision is weighting heavily on my head . Once that gets settled i'll start working on going back to school , getting my licsence , and other things . Also congrats Missy for bringing Emma Marie into the world. Current Mood: happy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 18th, 2005
8:35 pm	today and rocky Last night was a good show , literaly last second i decided on southern baptism crim , hey if i'm already going to hell right ? Diner was meh had a conversation that needed to be done . It put my soul at rest , and gave me answers which i needed . Also deceitfulsorrow ( my lj poem thingy ) I'll update it soon , i still do not have internet access in my room , and i still haven't talked to bonnie yet about getting another modem in my room . I'll pay the extra , i just need internet . Cause you know , i love doing newsletters , but i kinda can't . ALSO the new Life of agony cd is amazing . Not as good as river runs red , but damned close . Current Mood: calm Current Music: going to be the new LOA (3 Comments |Comment on this)